Well here I sit in my apartment, typing on my laptop - something that's so comfortable to me, it's like a part of me.

Tonight/tomorrow morning will mark the 15th anniversary of my brothers peaceful passing after a brutal fight with leukemia. 15 years ago a great part of my life changed.
15 years ago my family changed.
15 years ago a wonderful person gave his one last breath;
leaving this world behind to find himself in a more peaceful/happy place.
No more painful treatments.
No more frequent trips to the hospital.
No more wondering when it's going to stop;
just dealing with the thoughts on why it had to happen like this.

Being the youngest of 6 kids in my family has it's positives and it's negatives. One large negative is that I never got to be as close to my other siblings, as much as I tried to be friends and hang out with them, they had their own friends and things to do.
Between this brother there was a 6 year gap in age, so not the easiest gap to bridge, though we did have our moments.
I've tried to live my life to the fullest, and when given the opportunity share in some of the things he did and would do.

We played the same tuba in Public School.
I aspired to write music like him, and play like him. (though never being quite as good... actually I quit, music is still a great part of my life)
I attempted to draw like him (though his wasn't the best at times )
I took over his toys and built Lego's like he would - wish there was still the mechanical hand he made
I rode his bike around, I listened to his music collection, I even played his Gameboy.... just so I could be closer to him and the memories of him.
Recently I was able to acquire his old synthesizer so that my fiancée could use it to practice on, and so it could be used at our wedding. In the case I found an old DAT audio tape that has a couple of his recordings on it, I have yet to rent the DAT player to retrieve the songs to enjoy, but will likely do that this weekend. It was also interesting when picking up the stuff from my parents place, we found the paperwork that goes along with one of the songs on tape...it was a project for high school.... he was a pretty poor/average academic hehe.

Well now I site here thinking back over all the years I've been living without him and yet it feels like he's still here.
Having the horror happen to my family has also brought us together in some aspects, and enhanced each of our lives. We were all entered into a summer camp that was for children with cancer, and their siblings. I attended for nearly 10 years, helping others enjoy the time they had left being kids and helping them to recover. I helped many children, as well as many families, and can't say enough good things about the camp for helping me in my life.

So as I continue my thoughts about how things were in the past and how my life has changed to what it is now, I can't help but wonder what things would be like if he had actually recovered and not had a rebound that claimed his life? What if his final treatment was actually the full cure. What if things had started 10 years later, would technology have saved him?
There are so many 'what ifs' that it can cloud the mind of all the memories of what actually happened. All the good that one person can do. All the talent that one can produce. All the lives one life can affect.

Don't ever forget the ones that you love and know.

Colin, I miss you!
CJS - 1976-1994